Big J.. Forever

I thought of posting this nearly a month ago, but somehow I still haven't been able to face the bitter reality of Jerry's death. It was on the wee hours of 9th February. Ma telephoned me and even before I pressed the call acceptance button on my mobile phone, I somehow knew the news I was going to hear. Its true that he was not keeping well for almost one week prior to his death. He was old. Rather too old...but how old is too old? Can we ever overcome the grief of losing someone close to our heart.Its a terrible feeling to know that the next time when I will go to meet my parents, he wouldn't be around. I wouldn't relish his crazy antics, now no one will ever get so furious enough to bite me.. This may sound a bit crazy but I have been bitten a lot many times by Jerry. My palms still have the marks, but then its natural for a dog to bite when provoked. I never hit him back when bitten. It was his natural self defense technique.I still remember the day he came to our life, just 27 days old, who would get tired after walking a few centimetres on the carpet, ma used to feed him a semisolid baby food, which he soon found distasteful and found delight in raw vegetables which he used to swiftly steal when vegetables for lunch were being chopped.He grew up fast. Each birthday of his that we celebrated, traumatised me. I knew he was a year closer to the inevitable. I last met him about a year and a half ago. He was getting old, did not like human presence much, was somewhat distracted, later ma told me that he had cataract and was going deaf. Honestly, I can never imagine my Jerry as anything else than the rough one, who would get angry at the slightest provocation, but at the same time would be the mischivieous of the lot, someone who was a brother to me, someone who I will miss forever. Yes, that's my Jerry..Forever!

A Big Blunder!

We all make blunders and I have an expertise in that. Yesterday at a meeting with a Senior Executive, I was asked if I did any creative writing ever and guess what my blog came into the picture. I, being a moron,completely, idiotically, forgot that my last post, written almost 2 years ago, was about the DDSS syndrome, which is definitely not a worth read, more importantly, not something you will like to show to a senior colleague of yours. A blunder. But I did it, the moment the page opened I realised it but it was too late. Now I am just crossing my fingers and hoping he didn't read it. Well, high hopes as we call it!

DDSS Syndrome!!

Sleepy, Bored , eyelids are heavy!!!

I am suffering from all these symptoms and We call it the DDSS symptom. Actually a friend, Neha, coined it. This is the Different Day Same Shit syndrome which I guess troubles every officegoer. I think suffer from it even when I am at home.

Sometimes I cant figure out what to do. Ok fine I have never been so clear about my next move anyways but I wasnt so uncertain too. I m just waiting to see where this level of Extreme Boredom takes me...' yawnnn' .... see Iam sleepy already...

Nothing is fizzy anymore...office has sucked me up so much now that I have become numb anyways...its like school days, the time when school bell rings , your teacher comes , you do your classwork , take a note of the homework and go home when the bell rings again. Come back the next day to follow the same routine. Yes thats exactly whats happened. I am following a routine... Worst part...I hate routines for a long time...that why I left school about 8 years back...okok..thats a bad joke, anyways I slogged for about 12 years before calling it quits and yes I had to finish my studies... :-(

You know when I look back in all these 26 years of existence...ok lets leave the 3-4 initial years of non existence coz I barely remember anything of those times, still that leaves me with like 22 years of existence... so out of these years about 16 years were spend in studies, one year in trying to figure out what I have done with myself and where I wanted to be. Another two years in pursuing a Masters and then seraching for a job, then continuing the job for more than 3 years now.

Ok, the whole point of the long boring thought was that I have basically slogged all through my life, chasing this and that and what the net result????

A DDSS... c'on I expect something better!!!

Lets Love!!!!

We all should cherish the love we have and cherish the life and the moments spent together sharing the joy, the fun, the pain and the sorrows and look forward towards a better tomorrow.We all spend a lot of time running after the shadow of life not realising that life never stops for anyone even long after they have gone. Every moment is a new beginning, a new hope, a new day. Lets celebrate the day and the moments coz even after we are gone, the moments would remain. Someone, someday would remember us for the moments...and at the end thats what counts...coz I can't see you cry.Your tears burn my soul.The acid hurts my heart, my eyes have dried but the pain remains.Lets love and share the spirit of love, the joy and fun of being oneself and being together.Lets light up the universe with all its true colors.

We chase the fleeting dreams!!

Sometimes I am irritated at myself, for instance right now I am and the reason being, its been exactly one year today since I posted my last blog. Amazing, isn't it? Thats what I ask myself. How could I not find time to write something, post a thought or just an imagination. What was I waiting for?We keep telling others we are busy. We donot have time..Thats bullshit!!!Nobody, not me, and absolutely no one is busy enough to stop thinking. Thats why we are supposed to have brains. Thats supposed to think.We all are pretenders, liars and hypocriates telling people of all our achievements and boasting about all the success which nobody would care about.In pursuit of success we all are losing out on happiness and mental peace. we are losing our ability to ponder inside our souls forgetting to say a 'hi' to it, never ever caring to ask what it wants....
And Iam sure even after all this blah blah talk even I and you and everyone would go about doing the same routine, but at least this article has made you and me think, even though for a moment and thats my satsfaction.

New Life!

The darkness is slowly fading away.It calls for the celebration of a new day.Waking up in the morning with sleep saying a goodbye.Its a day to cherish the moments and see the dreams weaving the most intricate design in front of your eyes.The most beautiful feeling is when someone is sharing the same aspirations as yours and giving you hope and support to fulfill that right from the core.I have found that someone in my life with whom I hope to share my dreams and I want to be a part of his dreams.

Its Two Months!!

Two months, two lives, and thereafter its one soul that needs to survive.
Two months, two lives, and later its one heart that beats.
Two months, too close, too swift..
Two months, too far, too slow..
Two months, too soon, too late..
Two months to live and die in the moments,
Two months to say a goodbye to these days,
Just two months and life would enter an entirely new phase.

How much???

How much pain is required to come out of the suffering?How much hurt is required to draw the feeling of numbness?How many blows do you require to let your soul die?How many egos you kill to make that word cry?How the hell does a person survive?Why does death not try?
Why do I write all this?What do I feel about all these?
I feel the same pain and the numbness and the death within me.Life is what Iam looking for.
Where are you? Please come and save my soul from dying.I regret, I repent, I hate, I love, I die, I survive, I kill, I create and yes, when I close my eyes and slowly enter the realms of darkness, I see you, I hear you, I breathe you, I feel you, You are like a bright star calling me to be a part of you.I stretch my hands to immerse myself in your soul and there it goes, the darkness is no more around me and the light of peace and love surrounds us.Thank you for saving my dying soul.

Peace is what we seek

When life is too much to take, do you take recluse in spirituality?My trip to Pondicherry was not just a long needed vacation but it was also an eye opener towards life, the way we seek, the way we need, the way we want to understand our living.People from all walks of life were there, working hard but still very much at peace with themselves.Why do we lack it here? Are we asking too much from life that slowly but surely we are losing touch with the reality, moving far from our inner peace?I am not much of a believer in God but I believe in the inner strength which keeps us alive and makes us overcome the tough times in life.In Pondicherry I saw the strength, in the weak and the old, in the rich and the poor, in the old and the young, everyone seemed to be so full of life, so much at ease. Pain is the word they are not aware of. Nobody out there needs anybody's help.Everyone is self sufficient with whatever they have. They lack nothing even when they donot own much material forms of living, but maybe it is the mental strength which has made them very rich and prosperous so much that we mortals, who constantly seek for wealth and luxuries of life, envy them.Peace and calmness is what we lack. The moments which allow us these elements move on perhaps too swiftly that by the time we want to grasp these fleeting moments they are long gone and all that remains is the hollowness of this pretentious world.

Things I Love (Mind it, this list doesnt include the people I Love!!)

# My Solitude
# My Home Theatre... I am crazy about it...so much that my friends would often say,'Why don't you get married to it?'.. I swear, we would have made such a musical couple...Cheers to that!!
# My job..though it sucks at times , but maybe thats another reason why I love it.
# My mobile, though its old now, but it helps me in staying in touch with my near and
dear ones and also because I bought it when I wasn't earning much and I thought it to
be a pretty expensive buy at that time.
# The moments spent with my friends I met throughout my life.
# My DVD collection, I am making one now and adding 3-4 movies to it every weekend.
# 'Echorer sobji' and 'Nutrela sobji' and anything with chicken/mutton cooked by Ma.
# Pork Sausages.
# The books I own (Both Fiction and Non Fiction) and also the ones I stole and read.
# The weather in Bangalore.
# The dawn and the dusk and the twilight.
# Being independent, at least financially.
# Old people, it breaks my heart to see them suffer.
# Laughter of Ma.
# Anger of Babai.
# The bark of Jerry.
# The voice of Bryan Adams.
# The adamance of Tony.
# The weirdness of Shontu.
# The calmness of night.
# The body of John Abraham.
# The movies of Julia Roberts and Richard Gere.
# The four piercings on my each ears.
# To have faith in Him (when I need it the most).
# Durga Pujo.
# Kolkata.
# The uncomfortable buses in Kolkata.
# My sarcasms (They automatically come hurling towards anyone).
# Annie's song (was it sung for me?).
# The walks from Lake Town to Kalindi.
# The street food of Kolkata.
# The trip to Kashmir, I still remember every bit of it.
# The trip to Vaishnodevi (though I swear with all my apologies that I may never go there again!!).
# The food at the Great Wall Restaurant.
# The huge mango tree and its fruits at our ancestral home in Patna.
# The holidays spent with my cousins in Patna.
# My childhood days in Patna, especially because I was good in studies then and used to be among the toppers in school.
# The college street market ( the bookshops), I have never been to the Coffee House though...but I went there once when my friend needed to pee badly and had no other decent place to go.
# The New Market trips.
# My Karate lessons (This should have been in the top 10)
# My Blog
# Appy and Fresh Grape juice
# Rich, dark, chocolate cake, blackforest cake and fruits and nuts chocolates.
# My funky silver jewellery.
# Deep, imploring eyes, mind it, its different from deep set eyes which I have and I hate them.

Just a thought!!

The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be love loved in return.

Well! I didnot invent this quote, but kudos to the person who discovered this feeling for the mankind and the generation Z which ignores the magic of love and is busy searching for pleasures unknown to them.

Desire Be Thy Name!!!

Sometimes we unknowingly hurt others and do not realise the consequences of the disaster that we foolishly take upon ourselves.It is difficult to let go of certain feelings but as time moves, feelings change and so does the views.I think, love, hatred, anger, pain, joy,sadness are all superficial, people claim that they feel these but do they really feel it all the time?The only feeling that might be true is hunger and I am not just talking about the physical hunger, i.e, hunger for food..Hunger relates to so many things, like hunger for recognisation, hunger for power, money, knowledge, its more or less similar to thirst, thirst to quench the desires..so that makes 'desire' the most powerful feeling in the universe.Its all because of desire that we move ahead in life. The life of a man is not worth living if he doesnt have the desire to move to acquire and know.So that makes some of us The Desirables and some of us the hunters of The Desirables.aah..such a lovely term, DESIRE, so strong, so captivating, so murderous, so enchanting....Over the centuries, men and women have lived and died for a desire to survive, they have killed and loved with passion, all to satiate the desire, they have humiliated and cared, to nurture the desire, they have learnt and tought to respect the desire.The desire to see, the desire to hear, the desire to feel, the desire to smell and the desire to taste is all we care for but isnt there a desire above all these, the DESIRE TO SURVIVE ?

Lies........

Sometimes people try to hide others lies and mistakes and give excuses on their behalf.Since childhood I kept on hearing from people that hiding a mistake encourages more mistakes to be committed.Then why do people try to cover the flaws?Are they afraid that if they make others aware of the flaws they would go against them and love them less?If thats the case then could we call that true love?maybe love was never around the corner and they were seeking to catch a glimpse of a swift sensation...who knows???

Mornings

Mornings are always so beautiful,
its a pity that we donot see them often
The calmness around you and the gentle breeze like a lover embrace
The freshness in the eyes of school children
The dewdrops on the grass blades
The sparkle in the eyes of the old man who waits for each day to come and tell him,
"Hey you are still alive"
Morning is a feeling for me..
It tells me that everyday is a new beginning
It tells me that today is the day when you can face and accept your mistakes
It tells me that its never too late..
It tells me that life goes on even when you are reading this and thinking that the World is lost somewhere in the midst of this celestial space
So get up and get going cause today's morning isn't the same as yesterday's and tomorrow morning might come as a challenge difficult to accept

What do i write!!

Well....it seems to me that an era has passed since i last updated my blog.
Truly speaking, its been ages.... and im feeling bad about it.
its been more than a month since i have come to bangalore and things have moved so swiftly around me that i havent been able to catch my breath so this is the first time i have decided to deliberately put an update on the blog.
So many things happened over the last month...my new job, new house where for the first time in my life iam staying absolutely all alone, not even a roomie..haha, seems strange!! even i feel the same at times.
but atleast the weekdays are good...i come to the office at noon, learn the job structure in office, go home at night and cook my dinner and most of the days I read myself to sleep..
but the weekends are kind of dreary....its true that i have quite a good bunch of friends here, Himanshu, Amresh....even Shontu to hang around with during the weekends before moving to Singapore, but then at the end of the day it still is so monotonous...don't know why...
I don't know what else to write....it seems like i havent been thinking too much and hence i don't have much to write...and this certainly isn't a very good sign....
well, would try to update my blog with something more interesting later...

Expectation kills

life goes on as they say.
Is going on,all that's required in life?
what good would be a life which goes on without any specific mission?
what is the mission that we talk about?
to me mission is something related to growth and better living.
what is life without a good living?
but then how good a living does anybody want?
what are the expectations.
if we try to think of expectations, which is a very overloaded word in itself, in simple terms then, expectations is something that differs from an individual to another.my expectations out of life wouldn't be same as anybody's else and vice-versa.
sometimes i really ponder over this thing called expectations.
is it really necessary? i know i am talking about an ideal situation, maybe an ideal world where nothing ever goes wrong and hence there is no need to expect anything better or worse.
but the reason why i said about the neccessity of expecting something out of life is because i wonder how many of us give something to life without expecting from it.
i know it is difficult to give something without expecting something in return but at least that can be tried.
maybe, who knows that can lead to a source of contentment in life which most of us lack. we keep on cribbing about things we donot have and forget to cherish what we really have.
life is too short to take care and think about the grudges and the grumblings and if we can try cutting short on these and enjoy every moment of our survival, believe me,there would be a lot of peace around us.

Eternal Dilemma

Its still the same feeling, im still in a state of dilemma.
It is that sinking feeling you get when somebody punches you hard on your stomach and forces the air out of there.
even when evrything apparently is fine, i am cribbing, i don't know for what...
what does life hold for me, a bunch of painful cribbing phases???
do i ask too much out of life?
i know i can be happy with what i have with me at present.
i really don't need much.
my needs have never been too much or too great.
i accept everything that life gives me, be it shit or flowers.
yet and yet again i keep on thinking about what life used to be and what it is now.
and everytime i think about it, the past always shines better than the present.
which leaves it to the fact that the future would be worse, who knows??
the fact is that, even though im not too much emotional otherwise, i really cant let go off the past and each and every memory associated with it, good or bad, it doesn't matter much.
the past is something that holds me from moving forwards.
the present doesn't interest me much, cause tomorrow it will be past and the memory of this present would then linger in the past.
i guess the dilemma would be an eternal one cause people like me can rarely come out of it.

Death, Be Mine...

with wind in my hair, i was travelling high..
soaring with every step i took, i never had time to stop and look
at the world beneath me, cowering under my shadow
magnificient as i felt, the world under my shade.
but one day, everything fell apart.
the sky crashed on me and i was crushed to death.
Death didnt hurt me but the reality of it shocked me.
i realised that it wasn't me who was flying high
but i was made to move higher, coz the higher you fall from, the harder you hit yourself,
thats what i learnt in school from Newton's Third Law of Motion.
terrible was the feeling, life seemed to be an eternal burden.
Death was a relief.
oh..why didn't you come earlier and curb my tyranny on unjustified freedom???

why?

Give me Hell, coz Heaven is not a place for me
Give me death, coz life is not meant for me
Give me hate, coz love isn't something I deserve

Heaven, Life and Love is what mankind craves for
Think beyond these and there is so much pain and suffering around us.

Why do we then camouflage the facts and toast on fiction?
Why is it that myth is always sweeter than reality?

Why are lies always preferred over an honest truth?
Why can't we look beyond the covers into the shady side of reality and break the shackles of lies and hypocrisy?

Are we afraid that we might lose a lot and gain nothing at all ?

But, then life isn't all about losing and gaining.
Its more about a beginning and an end

Why can't we then make a small beginning towards the Truth into an eternal journey till the end of the road?

Who Survives???

survival is the name of the game.
if thats so, we all survive in some way or the other.
so who is the biggest player in the game
and who judges the winner?